Home with the Lord

It's hard to know where to start when so many emotions are tied to a situation that doesn't make sense and doesn't have the outcome you have prayed for, for so long. All I know is when I took the pregnancy test on July 6th and it came back positive and then another on July 7th for a second opinion that was probably the most beautiful site I'd ever seen. A positive pregnancy test that left both Michael and I speechless, which is hard to do since we are both motor mouths.

On August 7th I should have been at least 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and we went in for our first ultrasound. According to the doctor he was surprised to see I was measuring only 6 weeks and 2 days, but he/we could still see the heartbeat flicker on the screen even though we couldn't hear it yet. Once Dr. V printed out the ultrasound picture of our baby that became the most beautiful picture I had ever seen. It was so crazy seeing our baby so small and knowing the he/she was a blessing from the Lord. Again during the appointment I was left speechless because it was so amazing knowing the Lord had answered many hours, days, weeks, months of prayers from myself, family, and friends. I finally had confirmation of the pregnancy and according to the doctor all looked good. Michael and I started passing the news along to extended family and friends. I figured letting people know could only be beneficial because then we could have even more prayers behind us during this time. The more people I told the more real it was becoming to me that I was finally going to be a mom. That the Lord had heard the desires of my heart and opened my womb.

Then over the weekend I started having some spotting/bleeding which I thought was cause for concern. But then after reading things on the Internet and talking with others it could have been normal for me. It could have been a result of Friday's exam or just whatever but there was the possibility that there wasn't cause for concern just yet. I called the doctors office on Monday morning and they made an appointment with Dr. C that afternoon to have him check me out again. I hadn't met Dr. C prior to that visit and he was a blessing from God. I am so thankful he was the one doing the ultrasound because he was taking his time and making sure to not miss anything. He was so tender and sweet when he told me he couldn't find the heart beat and that the embryo had passed. His voice was soft and apologetic; yet strong. He then said do not let this discourage you and you should be congratulated in getting pregnant because so many woman these days cannot. So the fact that I can get pregnant is exciting and that I would be pregnant again one day.


Just to be sure that what he thought was correct he had me come in and meet with the sonographer for verification the next morning. Then after the appointment we met with Dr. C for a follow up and scheduled the D&C for later that afternoon. Everyone in the Outpatient Surgery Center was so very kind. They took good care of me and you could tell there was sense of sweetness about them since they knew what was going on. Something that could have been a more horrific experience, than it already was, turned out okay because of the people I was surrounded by all day.


Right now I have my moments of emotions that run through me but I have faith that the Lord will use this situation for His good. I also know that there will be someone in heaven for me to meet for the first time and the Lord is taking care of him/her. We may never understand why this happened to us and sometimes I don't think we are always supposed to understand because if we did then we'd stop seeking after the Lord. And we know a life without Him, isnt much of a life at all. I just pray that Michael's heart doesn't become hardened and that he too will see the Lord in this situation. That he would move towards Him and not away from Him. So right now we both just need prayer as we try and make sense of all this.

I'll end with this - I read it off of a blog this morning Proverbs 19 “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”