Why Is It?

This is a result of me sitting in an airport for 3 1/2 hours. See what happens when I'm left alone for long periods of time watching people and have been up since 4:22 AM.

• Why is it when we are told we can't have something, we want it more?
• Why is it when we are told we can't do something, we want to do it that much more?
• Why is it when the flight attendant tells us there are plenty of seats on the plane, someone feels the need to sit on top of me.
• Why is it the pilot felt the need to tell us we had a warning light on but it should be okay. There is no need to tell us that... just keep it to yourself.
• Why is it we can't apologize quickly but we expect others to?
• Why is it that when we say hurtful words we can blow it off? But when others do it we hold grudges.
• Why is it that we seem to never be satisfied with where we are or who we are?
• Why is it that in our world of plenty, we never seem to have enough?
• Why is patience a virtue that most lack?
• Why is it hard to look a stranger in the eye and say hello, excuse me, thank you, or please? Manners people....manners
• Why is it the older I get the more nausea I experience while flying? Could it have something to do with the turbulence that made me feel like I was on the back of a bull.
• Why is it I can't figure out how to put a filter on my mouth?
• Why is it we struggle to find contentment - maybe that goes back to my question about never being satisfied.
• Why do we feel the need to control every aspect in our life, when in reality we have no control? Or maybe I'm the only one with this problem.
• Why is it every 5 minutes today at the airport an announcement had to come on telling people to use a tissue to sneeze into or cough into? Because most walk around with tissues handy...thats why I use my sleeve. It was also nice enough to tell us how to wash our hands. Did I mention I was there for 3 1/2 hours???
• Why is it I can't stop writing when I really have nothing of importance to say?

I think this blog makes me think I'm cooler than I am and gives me a chance to show how nerdy I am... LOL But if you people only really knew what else went through my mind you would be afraid............very afraid. I know I am 99% of the time.

Ode to Target

I'm totally bored sitting in my hotel room in Indy. I made the mistake of drinking diet coke at dinner and now cannot fall asleep to save my life. So here it is 12:55 AM and what better way to spend this sleepless night than sharing my Sunday experience at Target... I know brace yourself for some good old fashion boredom. It's not too late to hit the back button on your browser and save yourself from my over caffeinated body that is in desperate need for sleep.

So my first mistake was going to Target on the Sunday before school starts. By the way Sunday people at Target - you cannot stand at the front entrance of the store and not expect a traffic jam to occur. Then you want to give dirty looks when people bump into you or try and get around you without disturbing your conversation. I don't care if it's been all summer since you've seen your friends, move to the side... There is an entire store of space and you somehow think standing in the front is the best place for you.

The dollar isle of Target, a great idea and an isle I can't pass up, however it's put in the wrong spot. Again at the front entrance were people tend to lolly gag.

Why is it out of 500 carts at the front of the store I get the one that didn't work. The faster I wanted to push it the slower it moved or didn't move. Apparently the cart had something against me but I would not let it defeat me. AKA I was too stubborn and lazy to get another one. The harder I pushed (I guess I was thinking it would move better) the more it would come to a dead stop and send me flying forward. I felt like I was in stop and go traffic the way my body would come to a crashing halt out of no where. I think my ribs were bruised after this trip due to the number of times they slammed into the cross bar. This cart and I were quite a site walking through Target. I pushed - it stopped, I pulled - it didn't budge. I got a few funny looks as I kicked the wheel and mumbled a few things under my breath (which shall not be repeated).

The cleaning isle was packed full of kids and parents purchasing things for dorm rooms. All I needed was soap but that was a 20 minute ordeal just trying to get down that isle. Partly because of the stop and go motion of the cart but mainly because of the people. Although I will say it was rather cute watching a father, mother, and son shop and the dad was looking around for brooms and dorm size trash cans. But that sweetness only lasted for a brief moment and then it became annoying because he kept cutting me off trying to get to his wife. Or maybe it was the cart stopping me from moving. Either way each time I came across the family I somehow got stopped.

Finally I had my 10 items I went into Target for and now it was time to check out. Apparently I had the same idea 100 other people had because each line had at least 4 or 5 families. You would have thought it was Christmas in that place. Then as I walked outside with the cart in tow it wouldn't move on the concrete. It just decided to stop and not move and I'm pretty sure the guys walking by me started laughing at the site of me trying to move this thing on wheels. Even though I had a giant 25 pack of toilet paper and a 10 pack of paper towels I decided it was time to ditch the cart. As I'm walking to the car all I could think was Lord please don't let the toilet paper or paper towel packing rip. Please just don't let them go rolling out and into the parking lot. I really don't need anymore embarrassment right now. Thankfully we all made it to the car with no mishaps.

I will say this - the only good thing about a bad cart is it kept me from walking around and buying more than was on my list. So for that my checkbook is thankful, but my ego not so much.

See I tried to warn you above about the boredom but you didn't listen. I'm just jealous that after reading this you are falling asleep and somehow I'm still not.

The Male Species

How is it possible for their clothes to make it to the FRONT of the clothes hamper but not IN it? Come on really, dropping your clothes on the floor is that much easier than dropping them into the canvas opening of the standing clothes hamper.

Or my favorite as of lately is the not hanging up of his towel. The towel manages to make its way over our foot board but not to the bathroom 4 steps to the left.

Or maybe today's email thread is my favorite.... (**Disclaimer: work has been rough today and therefore I should not be held responsible for the following. It's just overwhelmingly annoying when things aren't working properly and what should have taken me an hour at most has taken 6 hours. )

M: So Jeff needs some help with his mounting projection...do you care if I go and help him, or do you want me home or what? You seem to not like me so much right now .......so .. (I guess he thinks I don't like him because I was short on the phone with him instead of my normal loving self...hahaha)

L: yeah that's it i don't like you........... you figured it out. Me being in a bad mood has nothing to do with work and everything to do with you. Whatever I don't care what you do (okay so maybe this does sound a little harsh...but as I was saying it in my head and typing it out in an email it didn't seem that bad at the time)

M: i don't care what you do is not really a "yeah that's fine, i love you and i'll just see you later".

L: you are right it's not those things....... it is an i don't care - just the way it sounds. (I literally mean I don't care that he goes.... why is everything taken so personal. Oh right because I'm in a loving mood today)

M: alright.....so i'll be home after work.

L: no i don't want you home after work - go help Jeff.

M: lol okay so i'm still unsure if i'm supposed to come home or if you want me to go to jeffs and not come home lol.

L: repeat after me slowly........... g...o... h...e...l...p... Jeff

Like Michael says at times... I am a box full of crazy (not sure what that means but I'm thinking it's not a compliment) Or maybe I need to go a few rounds with a punching bag; does anyone have one I can borrow?

Clearly today I have a lot of aggression that needs to be worked on. And would you like to know the sad thing about my aggression/frustration/aggravation? It comes from this little mechanical box called a computer that is somehow supposed to make my life easier. However today, not so much. When you spend 6 hours rattling off words like Socket Errors, ODBC, SQL, ABA it is enough to make one crazy. To the point where I've been reduced to saying things like my thingamajiggy isn't connecting to my whatchamacallit so please just fix it.... Try getting help from IT when explaining errors like that. I bet if you had an 8 ball you would get "Outlook Isn't Good."

Oh wait!!! I just thought of something else.... I also opened my bill from JEA today. That could quite possibly be another reason my head is spinning around and around and around.

GOODNESS - ME OH MY!

Happy Monday Y'all!

Hard Day

Today seems to be a harder day for me than the past days for some reason. Maybe it's because I went to church today and allowed the worship music to penetrate my heart. For those few minutes this morning I allowed myself to be vulnerable. Or maybe it was the fact that our Senior High Youth Pastor announced that his wife is pregnant and due in February and I would have been due in March. As soon as he started telling the story of his wife meeting him in the driveway, something she never does, I knew what was coming next. My mind started racing, my first thoughts were I need to leave, just a quick trip to the bathroom or something, I can't listen to this but I was trapped on either side by several people that I didn't want to crawl over. Then I thought well I'll just sit here and not listen, I'll think of something else but my mind was blank and I could still hear his words. So I just decided to sit there and listen to the rest of his story holding back the tears. I kept thinking to myself, of all days Lord, of all days, just 6 days after all that happened I have to sit here and listen to someones pregnancy story. Then when he said the words 'she is pregnant' everyone starts awing together and all I'm thinking is ugh.... Then I'm supposed to clap in excitement??? Lord this almost seems cruel - you couldn't hold off his story for another week or two when maybe the wounds weren't so fresh and tender.

My mind started racing on the way home about the sermon and the pregnancy story. Again my first thoughts were Lord that was cruel - do you know how hard it was to sit there and listen to the excitement of our Sr. High youth pastor? Lord why of all Sunday's did you pick this Sunday for him to teach and him to share? Why did he feel the need to share that with everyone? Sure he's excited - I get it but did it have to be shared? I just kept thinking how painful those first few minutes were and how mean I thought the Lord was for that brief moment. Then I thought well of course the Lord knew how hard it was for me - you too lost a son but in a much more painful way than I did. Then it hit me that maybe I'm not as tough as I want to be. The reason for the story today was to show that to me. That inside my tough exterior of 'it is what it is' and how I feel like I just have to move past this that maybe I should allow myself to grieve. I need to allow myself to cry; that I need to be sad instead of a robot with all the perfect answers. I haven't really put my emotions out there yet and maybe because at times I'm thinking this isn't real.

Or maybe I feel like I need to be strong enough for both Michael and I so I've held myself back. Or maybe I want everyone to think I'm okay so that I can move past this quicker than I need to. But acting tough isn't working out to my advantage yet; I know people can see through me. So far it's just leaving me in a state of denial and as long as I don't say it out loud then maybe it didn't happen. I just felt the Lord put it on my heart that I needed to be sad over this - I need to allow myself to experience emotions about this. That it is okay when someone ask how I'm doing that I don't have to respond with "I'm doing good". It would be acceptable to say you know today is a hard day or I'm doing sucky right now. It's okay to grieve the loss of the baby.

As much as I wanted to come home and fall apart and just fall into Michael's lap and not move all day, I didn't. I came home and tried to dry my eyes and not let him see the tears....because remember I'm tough.... but he saw right through me. He knew something was wrong. So I told him what happened at church and my thoughts on the way home in how I'm trying to be strong for us both and it's about to kill me. He said honey - you don't need to be strong for me.... Then it hit me what, what do you mean I don't need to be strong for you? What do you mean I don't have to worry about you? That's what I do - I worry about people and things that I have no control over. This is what I do and probably the reason for my high blood pressure - I'm a worrier. It dawned on me - he's right, I don't have to worry about him (not to sound cold hearted). Why am I worried about him and how he's taking this when I can't even look myself in the mirror and work on my own emotions. Maybe I should start there before I can move on and 'help' someone else with their own grief.

So today is a hard day. Not sure if it's just because the reality of everything is hitting me. Not sure if its because sometimes being in church it just brings out certain emotions that I can hide when not there. Or was it hard listening to the excitement our Sr. High youth pastor was feeling and for a brief moment I knew what that excitement felt like. You walk a little taller, the smiler is a little brighter, your words are a little kinder....you just overall feel good.

And then there is this horrible low - a low that is hard to comprehend, a low in which I try and hide my emotions from. If I don't let them out one day they are going to come bursting through. So I can choose to either allow those emotions to flow forth now, allow the grieving and healing process to start. Or I can put on my 'I'm a tough girl' exterior and not deal with it and then one day, weeks down the road just fall apart. I think for now I'll choose to not be the tough girl and allow myself to be more truthful about the day I'm having; good or bad - no more hiding. Regardless of the day I'm having I know my family and friends will support me. I know they will laugh me, cry with me, be sad with me/for me and together these are emotions we can share.

I feel like I'm in a 12 step program or something.... "Hi my name is Leanne, I had a miscarriage, and today is not a good day.............'

Home with the Lord

It's hard to know where to start when so many emotions are tied to a situation that doesn't make sense and doesn't have the outcome you have prayed for, for so long. All I know is when I took the pregnancy test on July 6th and it came back positive and then another on July 7th for a second opinion that was probably the most beautiful site I'd ever seen. A positive pregnancy test that left both Michael and I speechless, which is hard to do since we are both motor mouths.

On August 7th I should have been at least 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and we went in for our first ultrasound. According to the doctor he was surprised to see I was measuring only 6 weeks and 2 days, but he/we could still see the heartbeat flicker on the screen even though we couldn't hear it yet. Once Dr. V printed out the ultrasound picture of our baby that became the most beautiful picture I had ever seen. It was so crazy seeing our baby so small and knowing the he/she was a blessing from the Lord. Again during the appointment I was left speechless because it was so amazing knowing the Lord had answered many hours, days, weeks, months of prayers from myself, family, and friends. I finally had confirmation of the pregnancy and according to the doctor all looked good. Michael and I started passing the news along to extended family and friends. I figured letting people know could only be beneficial because then we could have even more prayers behind us during this time. The more people I told the more real it was becoming to me that I was finally going to be a mom. That the Lord had heard the desires of my heart and opened my womb.

Then over the weekend I started having some spotting/bleeding which I thought was cause for concern. But then after reading things on the Internet and talking with others it could have been normal for me. It could have been a result of Friday's exam or just whatever but there was the possibility that there wasn't cause for concern just yet. I called the doctors office on Monday morning and they made an appointment with Dr. C that afternoon to have him check me out again. I hadn't met Dr. C prior to that visit and he was a blessing from God. I am so thankful he was the one doing the ultrasound because he was taking his time and making sure to not miss anything. He was so tender and sweet when he told me he couldn't find the heart beat and that the embryo had passed. His voice was soft and apologetic; yet strong. He then said do not let this discourage you and you should be congratulated in getting pregnant because so many woman these days cannot. So the fact that I can get pregnant is exciting and that I would be pregnant again one day.


Just to be sure that what he thought was correct he had me come in and meet with the sonographer for verification the next morning. Then after the appointment we met with Dr. C for a follow up and scheduled the D&C for later that afternoon. Everyone in the Outpatient Surgery Center was so very kind. They took good care of me and you could tell there was sense of sweetness about them since they knew what was going on. Something that could have been a more horrific experience, than it already was, turned out okay because of the people I was surrounded by all day.


Right now I have my moments of emotions that run through me but I have faith that the Lord will use this situation for His good. I also know that there will be someone in heaven for me to meet for the first time and the Lord is taking care of him/her. We may never understand why this happened to us and sometimes I don't think we are always supposed to understand because if we did then we'd stop seeking after the Lord. And we know a life without Him, isnt much of a life at all. I just pray that Michael's heart doesn't become hardened and that he too will see the Lord in this situation. That he would move towards Him and not away from Him. So right now we both just need prayer as we try and make sense of all this.

I'll end with this - I read it off of a blog this morning Proverbs 19 “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”